Appearances

I shuffle through the day white knuckled,

Bearing my arms crossed to hide my punch ready hands;

With every introduction I lose more feeling in my fingers.

I smile- a wide eyed, open mouthed friendly grin-

You’re glad to see me you’re glad I’m here you think I’m competent

I can’t breathe. I smile wider in an effort to find more oxygen.

I am wanted here, my reputation precedes me, I’ve got stairs to climb

When I wrench my arms open into a stiff hug they’re shaking.

Anxiety is not reserved for those situations which seem obviously dangerous.

Here, I risk five years of growth four years of education three references who believed in me

And those two supervisors who may have talked about me over dinner. So I hold

Myself close, watch like a hunter in a dark dense forest, keep my back against the wall,

Count the seconds until I get to sit in my own cubicle. Anxiety

Brings new meaning to the phrase “corporate jungle”, brings new handicaps to the conference room,

Gives me nightmares about becoming a client again, of being discussed in concerned tones

At a meeting I’m not allowed to attend.

It’s just Monday, full of yawns, slow traffic, evaporating memories of sleeping in on the weekend.

It’s Monday, I barely slept, I laid out my clothes for the week, I left the house too soon,

I impressed my boss by showing up early. He doesn’t know I’m following a script, acting the part

Of calm and capable; that I wish the weekend would stretch out and cover me until I find my place here,

That I can relate to the first client of the day, who tells us she quit because her job moved too fast.