You told me you liked thinking about me
Living in Arizona where it's sunny all the time.
You said- it just makes sense-
-So much sense that you brought me to Tucson, joined me in witnessing
Beams of sunlight falling directly from post-monsoon clouds
Like arrows onto the street where we stayed, as if you
And the Biblical God were working together to pull me to the right place.
-So much sense that you gave me wings, pushed me skyward
And then departed, so that I might not be distracted
From building the muscles of my waving arms.
I wanted to tell you before you disappeared:
You were right. You were right that being alone leads to soaring;
That, in Arizona, where it’s sunny all the time, things just make sense,
Like I’m constantly guided by post-monsoon
Beams of sunlight pointing me in the right direction.
I see so much now in vivid clarity:
The multitude of cacti that grow strong armed and sturdy
From what I once thought was barren land;
The safety in a small town community
Where we move slowly and make time for eye contact;
The blooming houses painted to stand out amidst the dust;
Myself, in my own home, unattached, feeling whole.
It is in these brilliant moments that I miss you the most;
You, who would not just understand but share,
Who could draw out colors to reach their fullest potential
Who could make an already full metaphor
Burst into a second life;
It is the obvious lack of you in these
Otherwise perfect seconds, in these times when
I feel most alive, it is your complete absence
That brings me to my knees with doubt;
Questioning my effort to be a whole person
With only one body to call my own.