Sunday, March 4, 2012

Jesus said the truth will set you free, so I'm opening my prison door.

As many of you know, I have been dealing with some pretty severe anxiety problems for most of my life. Over the past three years I've come to recognize that a large majority of my anxiety comes from self hated and being afraid to be who I really am. I've been afraid to be honest about what I believe and what I want and who I want to be. I've been afraid of being wrong, of being judged, and of going to Hell. Because of that fear I conformed to a mold of what I thought I should be, even though that mold made me miserable.

This fear and self hatred reached a climax in October 2009 when I purposefully overdosed on anti-anxiety medication and ended up in the hospital for a week, in a place where I wasn't allowed to have shoelaces or pens or freedom.

The overdose was a true awakening. I am a good person, I realized, and there isn't a good reason for me to be hiding like this and pretending to be someone I'm not. Over the past three years I've chipped away at that stupid mold and allowed my body to stretch and reshape to its true form.

For the first time in my life, I know freedom.

Unfortunately, there is still an aspect of my life that is causing me to feel panic and fear. I have still been hiding from the people who have known me the longest: family, friends from college, people from church, Christians in general. For the sake of my mental health, it's time for me to be completely honest with everyone, not just the people who I know for sure will accept me. So, without further ado, these are some things that you should know about me:

  • I don't want to get married and I don't want to have children. Ever.
  • I believe it's okay to have sex before marriage and, in fact, I have done so myself.
  • I believe it's okay to be gay.
  • I don't want anything to do with church or religion. (This is something I haven't talked about a lot, but there are many, many aspects of Christianity that were harmful to me and I want to distance myself from them)
  • And (here comes the hardest one to admit) I am queer. I am not a lesbian, but I am truly sexually and romantically attracted to women. I fought this truth back for years and it was torture. I'm done with it.
I'm nervous as I post this, but not anxious. I need to take care of myself and love myself and I can't do it with out being honest. I would rather deal with backlash from people who don't approve than stay in hiding. I am confident that I am a good, beautiful, and amazing person and I no longer need the approval of others to continue to believe that.