Friday, November 23, 2012

Obviously, I'd be played by Kristen Stewart

If I were a character in a movie, my theme would be loneliness. I would probably also be one of the most obnoxious characters to ever grace the screen because a script based on my real life would have me talking, pondering and complaining about loneliness every five to ten minutes. Yet somehow, like a sexy young heroine in a horror movie, I don't figure out the obvious truth until the end of the film:  loneliness is a reoccurring problem that isn't fixing itself.

It dawned on me this week, while reading an old journal, that I seem to have a cycle of complaints. Over and over again throughout my life I've dealt with the same issues from different angles, always thinking that it's something new. Right now, I'm fixated on loneliness again; loneliness in the sense that no one understands me and I can't connect with anyone. Sounds adolescent, right?

That's because loneliness is not something that I can blame on the unwillingness of others to reach out to me; it is, at this point, a trait that I developed at a young age and never took responsibility for. I've allowed myself to participate in year after year of 1) disliking myself and 2) subconsciously sabotaging the efforts of others who are trying to like me. I'm hiding behind walls that I blame other people for building.

The truth is that I will never become un-lonely unless I learn to love and accept myself.

I write about this now because I have been talking a lot lately about moving back to the east coast to be closer to family and friends and I think I give the impression that I believe this will solve the problem of my feeling alone. I know that will not be the case. I know that, as long as I've convinced myself that I'm not good enough for other people, I will carry loneliness with me like a security blanket and no amount of loving people will be able to change what I feel.

I will probably return to the east at some point in my life for the sole purpose of being closer to people I love. In the meantime, I am rewriting the script to bring to life a more open and loving character.

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